[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
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My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can