[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
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So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
I didn’t realize that was an option
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.