[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
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if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
Hard not to take this personally
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.