[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
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IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade