Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
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What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”