@Kyle_Raney

[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”

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@thenatewolf

ME: If only there was an instrument that sounded like a really sassy duck.

CLARINET PLAYER: [excitedly moistening his reed] Buckle up baby.

@steveolivas

If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?

@Sickayduh

ME: *angrily dragging wife thru the mall* Maybe THIS jewelry store will have one.

HER: I don’t think you get what a tornado watch is.

@Jake_Vig

Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?

@QwertyJones3

[speed dating]

HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.

ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom

@DirtMcTurd

Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!

Me: that’ll all stop once you show up

@clarkekant

I can’t stand it when people don’t know the difference between your and you’re. There so stupid.

@onedumbshark

My bologna has a first name, and a second name, and a fake name, and a sexy nickname, and exactly none of them are your business so go away.

@Sickayduh

“Yeah can I have a triple bacon cheeseburger…”

*sees Grim Reaper in passenger seat*

*sigh* “and can you put lettuce and tomato on that?”