@Kyle_Raney

[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”

You Might Also Like

@Tmoney68

How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?

“Sir, this is a liquor store.”

@EllaZee5

Groom: I do.

Priest: And..

Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.

@hadafewbeers

Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.

@just1fool

If you can’t handle me at my worst then you are tolerable of the right amount of bullshit.

@jonnysun

a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair

@dumbbeezie

No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.

@bornmiserable

“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.