ME: If only there was an instrument that sounded like a really sassy duck.
CLARINET PLAYER: [excitedly moistening his reed] Buckle up baby.
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
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If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
ME: *angrily dragging wife thru the mall* Maybe THIS jewelry store will have one.
HER: I don’t think you get what a tornado watch is.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
I can’t stand it when people don’t know the difference between your and you’re. There so stupid.
My bologna has a first name, and a second name, and a fake name, and a sexy nickname, and exactly none of them are your business so go away.
“Yeah can I have a triple bacon cheeseburger…”
*sees Grim Reaper in passenger seat*
*sigh* “and can you put lettuce and tomato on that?”
“i’d do anthony for you” – worst autocorrect fail by me