[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
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knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?