“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”

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How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?

“Sir, this is a liquor store.”


Groom: I do.

Priest: And..

Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.


Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.


Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.


If you can’t handle me at my worst then you are tolerable of the right amount of bullshit.


a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair


No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.


“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.