Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
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*Inspirational Tweets*
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
I beg your pardon?
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear