host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
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I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone