@capnwatsisname

HOST: Make yourself at home!

ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.

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@dafloydsta

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I make bad decisions.

“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”

YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.

@DrakeGatsby

Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.

@xLitaLitax

Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller

@Kristen_Arnett

dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no

@MandiAtRandom

“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting

@chrisdowning

My dog’s food looks like Cocoa Puffs, but doesn’t taste like it.

@jordan_stratton

Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”

Cat: “Oh my god…”

@panmidwest

ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no

@highkeylost

police officer: please step out of the vehicle
me: are u mad at me