HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
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Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
🚲+physics = winner
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
What a year we’ve had this week.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit