host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
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*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
We’ve come full circle
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve