HOST: Welcome to "Die or Get Killed" the game show that no one survives ME: Glad to be here, Mort

HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort

i hate small talk. i wanna talk about aliens, the 16 digits on your credit card, the 3 numbers on the back, and the expiration date

I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSpray
We tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.

[Alternate Universe Where Lassie Hated Timmy]
Ruth: Lassie, have you seen Timmy?
Lassie: *puts out cigarette* Nope

If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?

Using my phone screen as a light, I search for my phone. Behind 1way glass, a bunch of chimps in lab coats write on their clipboards and nod

“Did you just fall?” “No. I attacked the floor.” “Backwards?” “I’m freaking talented!”

If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.

Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel

grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes

WAITER: Would you like any dessert?
DATE: No, just the ch-
ME: CHEESECAKE. Just the cheesecake.

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