@TheToddWilliams

HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives

ME: Glad to be here, Mort

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@david8hughes

[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it

@volks__

Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …

@EndhooS

[On a date at a restaurant]

So this is nice huh?

“Yea,uh, who’s that?”

*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*

@tarashoe

please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan

@pleatedjeans

[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!

@carlyken

The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band

@lazerdoov

Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”

Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”

*cop starts helping*

@1Happytwit

You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.

@Heissarcastic

Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi