@TheToddWilliams

HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives

ME: Glad to be here, Mort

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@dumstupit

i hate small talk. i wanna talk about aliens, the 16 digits on your credit card, the 3 numbers on the back, and the expiration date

@SteveKoehler22

I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSpray

We tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.

@OctopusCavemann

[Alternate Universe Where Lassie Hated Timmy]

Ruth: Lassie, have you seen Timmy?

Lassie: *puts out cigarette* Nope

@squirrel74wkgn

If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?

@P_o_n_k

Using my phone screen as a light, I search for my phone. Behind 1way glass, a bunch of chimps in lab coats write on their clipboards and nod

@9GAG

“Did you just fall?” “No. I attacked the floor.” “Backwards?” “I’m freaking talented!”

@2tickytacky

If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.

@FBSisnothere

Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel

@CaucasianJames

grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today

me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes

@pinupteacher

WAITER: Would you like any dessert?

DATE: No, just the ch-

ME: CHEESECAKE. Just the cheesecake.