HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
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Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”