Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
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*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
She puts the hot in psychotic
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it