Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
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Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.