[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
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I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
english majors be like furthermore
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.