[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
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70 yr old boss: i have the body of a fit 30 yr old.
Me: where? Buried in your rose garden?
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
never compromise your values
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
i don’t think i can go back to a white president