[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
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It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Respect
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…