To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Our FIRST demand: we want more bullets because we ran out… NO DON’T COME IN HERE
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Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Mom: Why can’t you be successful like your brother?
Optimus: But I saved humanity from Decepticons!
Thanksgiving at the Primes
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off