@a_venezuelan19
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
@Turbo_Jimmy
*hostage situation*
Our FIRST demand: we want more bullets because we ran out… NO DON’T COME IN HERE
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@a_venezuelan19
@a_venezuelan19
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
@squirrel74wkgn
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
@slimmy_shady
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
@CommonSavant
Mom: Why can’t you be successful like your brother?
Amazon: heh
Optimus: But I saved humanity from Decepticons!Thanksgiving at the Primes
@LizHackett
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
@daemonic3
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
@WheelTod
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
@_Tempo11
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
@wendchymes
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off