@Turbo_Jimmy

*hostage situation*

Our FIRST demand: we want more bullets because we ran out… NO DON’T COME IN HERE

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@a_venezuelan19

To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.

@a_venezuelan19

Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.

@squirrel74wkgn

WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?

@CommonSavant

Mom: Why can’t you be successful like your brother?
Amazon: heh
Optimus: But I saved humanity from Decepticons!

Thanksgiving at the Primes

@LizHackett

Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.

@daemonic3

me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??

grocery bagger: what

@WheelTod

[Surgery]

Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”

Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”

Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”

*Surgeon starts sawing off leg

*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy

@_Tempo11

I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.

@wendchymes

Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off