*hostage situation*

Our FIRST demand: we want more bullets because we ran out… NO DON’T COME IN HERE

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HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga


Computer: do you want to save the changes?

Me: I….I didn’t make any changes…OMG DID I MAKE CHANGES


Don’t try to squeeze love out of them, sweetie. They’re people, not oranges.


The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.


Me: I’m feeling short of breath.

Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?

Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.


Went out drinking at the bar last night.

Took a cab home.

Trying to figure out what to do with the cab in my garage?


I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR


If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.