@dafloydsta
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
@Turbo_Jimmy
*hostage situation*
Our FIRST demand: we want more bullets because we ran out… NO DON’T COME IN HERE
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@dafloydsta
@TheMichaelRock
Computer: do you want to save the changes?
Me: I….I didn’t make any changes…OMG DID I MAKE CHANGES
@SilverKick
Don’t try to squeeze love out of them, sweetie. They’re people, not oranges.
@TwinSurvivalist
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
@juskewitch
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
@UnFitz
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
@JennyJohnsonHi5
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
@FishySnowborder
Went out drinking at the bar last night.
Took a cab home.
Trying to figure out what to do with the cab in my garage?
@colonel_trilL
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
@roggyie
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.