@Turbo_Jimmy

*hostage situation*

Our FIRST demand: we want more bullets because we ran out… NO DON’T COME IN HERE

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@dafloydsta

[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga

@TheMichaelRock

Computer: do you want to save the changes?

Me: I….I didn’t make any changes…OMG DID I MAKE CHANGES

@SilverKick

Don’t try to squeeze love out of them, sweetie. They’re people, not oranges.

@juskewitch

The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.

@UnFitz

Me: I’m feeling short of breath.

Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?

Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.

@FishySnowborder

Went out drinking at the bar last night.

Took a cab home.

Trying to figure out what to do with the cab in my garage?

@colonel_trilL

I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR

@roggyie

If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.