@sixfootcandy

Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)

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@AnnietheNanny1

I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.

@SamGrittner

If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.

@TheCatWhisprer

My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.

@anniemalistics

Dream catchers imply the existence of dream pitchers, dream shortstops, an entire dream team.

@Shelts99

Neighbour:How’s the wife?
Me:Glowing
Neighbour:Pregnant?
Me:No, she’s on fire, just going for more wood
Neighbour:You’re sick
Me:You’re next

@Smethanie

I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.

@ericsshadow

My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.

@LLCoolJeffrey

Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future

@DeLMarSan

Guys, leave 3 notes scattered around ur house for ur girlfriend that say “Will”, “you”, & “me.” That’ll keep her busy while u watch sports.

@DanMentos

“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”