Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)

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I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.


If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.


My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.


Dream catchers imply the existence of dream pitchers, dream shortstops, an entire dream team.


Neighbour:How’s the wife?
Me:No, she’s on fire, just going for more wood
Neighbour:You’re sick
Me:You’re next


I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.


My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.


Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future


Guys, leave 3 notes scattered around ur house for ur girlfriend that say “Will”, “you”, & “me.” That’ll keep her busy while u watch sports.


“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”