Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
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I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Guys, I found it.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.