30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
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Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Trains are just sideway elevators.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry