Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
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[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.