Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
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*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?