It’s goofy when people pretend to zip their mouth closed to indicate keeping a secret. “Your secret is well guarded… behind a zipper”
Hostess: Table for one?
Me: More like TABLE FOR FUN, AMIRITE?
Me: Yes, one please.
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This COVID shit lasting like a Honda Civic
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
Why do people call the deceased “late”?
They aren’t late..
They aren’t coming.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.