@Shock_Monster

Hostess: Table for one?

Me: More like TABLE FOR FUN, AMIRITE?

Hostess: …

Me: …

Hostess: …

Me: Yes, one please.

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@shutupmikeginn

It’s goofy when people pretend to zip their mouth closed to indicate keeping a secret. “Your secret is well guarded… behind a zipper”

@awkwardphilippe

ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass

HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?

@heyitsJudeD

Him: *gets the handcuffs out*

Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*

Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?

@shot_of_cabo

Why do people call the deceased “late”?
They aren’t late..
They aren’t coming.

@Darlainky

I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?

@NATxHAN

Me: Santa, why are women so scary?

Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.