hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
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What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
I’m pretty like a car crash.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.