@seancehat

hostess: table or booth

termite family: we’ll have both

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@dumbbeezie

Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again

@jctwritesstuff

Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am

@HollyMemphis

Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,

“Guess who got laid last night?”

@sonictyrant

Me: *wearing a crystal chandelier*

Store Assistant: can i help you sir?

Me: how much for this disco poncho?

@anerdonfire2

I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.

@FreudsTwin

The funny thing about fast food is, that it slows down the people who eat it.

@bobvulfov

NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what

@EndhooS

“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”