hostess: table or booth

termite family: we’ll have both

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Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again


Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am


Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,

“Guess who got laid last night?”


Me: *wearing a crystal chandelier*

Store Assistant: can i help you sir?

Me: how much for this disco poncho?


I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.


The funny thing about fast food is, that it slows down the people who eat it.


NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH: what


“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”