Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
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Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.