[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
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My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?