Wife: 2 is driving me crazy and I want to drive off a cliff.
Me: No I need the car.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
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*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Sorry I can’t attend your Facebook event, I’ll be busy throwing myself off a cliff that day.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude