@nbadag

[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]

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@novicefather

Wife: 2 is driving me crazy and I want to drive off a cliff.

Me: No I need the car.

@LeBearGirdle

*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*

Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!

@Parentpains

Sorry I can’t attend your Facebook event, I’ll be busy throwing myself off a cliff that day.

@ObscureGent

My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.

@wildethingy

Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.

@duumb

me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself

her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon

@KeetPotato

*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*

@StarWarsProblms

*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*

*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*

*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*

@DrakeGatsby

The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude