[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
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I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
me adding lol on a serious message
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.