I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
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I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
My inexpensive home security system…
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know