Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
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You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.