@DiamondLou69

Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…

…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.

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@loudmouth_usa

My therapist wants me to start coming in twice a week probably because I’m super interesting

@trentistweeting

[staff meeting]

PRINCIPAL: ok guys, we built a room to hold our P.E. class. what should we name it?

[Jim slowly raises his hand]

@thepunningman

[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]

@girl_a_whirl

WEBMD: Enter symptoms

Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin

WEBMD: You are a jellyfish

@burnie

Interviewer: what qualifies you to be an Uber driver?

*Candidate tells rambling 5 hour story*

Interviewer: you’re just what we need

@HumanPog

If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down

@WittySassBasket

*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW

@JaymayAllDay

I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.

@ArfMeasures

Doctor: I have your test results

Me: did I pass hahaha

Doctor: hahaha you will soon

Me: haha what

@bea_ker

Crabs only walk that way when people are looking at them