Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
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Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
what
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie