HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
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My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
And now we wait
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.