hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
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At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003