hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
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Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour