@ClichedOut

Hot Girl: Hey, u single?

Me: I am.

HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?

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@Home_Halfway

“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg

@weenbeans

*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly

@LackOfShame

Her: Let’s just drop it.

Me: Fine.

Her:

Me:

Her: I just find it funny how…

Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*

@WhaJoTalkinBout

kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back

me: *hugging his dog* no

@mom_ontherocks

Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*

God: *creates mom look*

Angel: Are you mad?

God: No, just disappointed

@daemonic3

“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”

– Adam & Eve on laundry day

@abhorrent_wife

Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.

@abbymedlock

I can’t stand this long distance relationship anymore. Fridge, you’re coming to my room.