Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
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I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
This is me
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”