According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
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“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
I can’t stand this long distance relationship anymore. Fridge, you’re coming to my room.