I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
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Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.