I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
Hot girl: hi
Me: are you a cop?
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I used to skateboard 15 hours a day and now I have to stop and rest half way through putting my socks on.
If you’re behind someone at an ATM at night, let them know you’re not a threat by gently kissing their neck.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
“ok start it up”
“give it some gas”
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
hello and welcome to Fantasy Football *Dumbledore passes ball to Frodo* *Gandalf intercepts football and eats it*
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]