@ihateitmunky

Hot girl: hi

Me: are you a cop?

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@SadieSkyNinja

I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.

@_steamy_mac

I used to skateboard 15 hours a day and now I have to stop and rest half way through putting my socks on.

@bridger_w

If you’re behind someone at an ATM at night, let them know you’re not a threat by gently kissing their neck.

@wittwitbarista

Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?

@iinkedZombie

[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*

@murrman5

“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”

@Kalarlis

hello and welcome to Fantasy Football *Dumbledore passes ball to Frodo* *Gandalf intercepts football and eats it*

@FloodyHippie

Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.

@junejuly12

*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*

[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]