@ihateitmunky

Hot girl: hi

Me: are you a cop?

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@TheTweetOfGod

Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.

@SJSchauer

At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.

@notalogin

The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.

@atanenhaus

I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!

@TheAlexNevil

*first day as a dog catcher

“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”

@UncleDuke1969

*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*

@ItsAndyRyan

“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*

@russhigher

I just saw a cop pull over a U-Haul truck. I think he is trying to bust a move.

@grifteezy

Meet my cat, Hemingway. And my two dogs, Faulkner and Whitman. I know what books are. Ah yes, my macaw approaches. His name is Literature