Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.

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Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.



Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’

Her: “Shall we order dessert?”



I always read my wife’s Horoscope to see what kind of day I’M going to have.


I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.


I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle


If you stand in front of a mirror & repeat your top tweet 3X, your pretwitter self appears, smacks you & throws your phone in the toilet.


TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff


Watching “Wizard of Oz”. I’d forgotten how the neighbor wants to kill Toto and Auntie Em and Uncle Henry were fine with it. Family fun!


sometimes i cry when i chop vegetables other than onions, just so the onions don’t think they’re ugly or something