Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
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*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
waiting for halloween be like:
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
awkward
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
I need a headline like this
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster