Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.

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Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.


My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.


COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?

ME: lol no it’s a cardigan


Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”


When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.


Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again


It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…


A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.


With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line


[speaking at an AA meeting]

Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding

*everyone cheers*