@karanbirtinna

(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.

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@iamspacegirl

Dog *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.

Cat *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me *wincing*: thank you
Cat: damn right thank you

@Skoog

host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam

sam: yeah and you as well

host:

sam:

host: killer job sammy boy

@captainkalvis

Therapist: what would you say is your biggest fear

Me: chameleon bears

Therapist: but those don’t even exist

Me: *looking around nervously* how could anyone know

@thatUPSdude

I’m not saying all my friends are Pot Heads

But we did have a 2 hour discussion on how Sponge Bob Grills underwater

@elunatyk

Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.

@Try2StopME

Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.

@TheBoydP

If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.

@HysteriaBarbie

My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is

@OVO_Ty15

Do we really have to hear Adam Levine talk about how he used to have acne problems? That poor guy.. how’d he ever survive.

@karencreets

Blah blah blah employee handbook, just get to the point where you say if you’re gonna drug test me or not