Dog *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Cat *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me *wincing*: thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
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host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host: killer job sammy boy
Therapist: what would you say is your biggest fear
Me: chameleon bears
Therapist: but those don’t even exist
Me: *looking around nervously* how could anyone know
I’m not saying all my friends are Pot Heads
But we did have a 2 hour discussion on how Sponge Bob Grills underwater
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Do we really have to hear Adam Levine talk about how he used to have acne problems? That poor guy.. how’d he ever survive.
Blah blah blah employee handbook, just get to the point where you say if you’re gonna drug test me or not