LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
Hot girls on Twitter:
Single and straight: 3%
Taken and straight: 15%
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“If you have a ministry like Jesus it will probably be made up of about 12 people who don’t get your illustrations, & 1 wants to kill you.”
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*inflates emergency mustache*
Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
NASA has no chill