SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Hot girls on Twitter:
Single and straight: 3%
Taken and straight: 15%
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“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
We are gathered here today because SOMEBODY *glares at coffin* couldn’t stay alive.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
tried to make a stew and accidentally summoned a demon again.
I try to live each day like it’s my last, which is why I rarely have clean socks. Who wants to wash socks on the last day of their life?
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager