At some point, male “pick-up artists” are just going to start chasing women around like Benny Hill.
Hot girls on Twitter:
Single and straight: 3%
Taken and straight: 15%
You Might Also Like
Girls are like police. Even when they get a hold of all the evidence, they still want to hear the truth from you…
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
moron: “duhh, i hate taco bell, every time i go there i get diarrhea”
me: try getting tacos instead, genius
Inside you are two wolves: they’re dancing disco in their spectacular sequined dresses, beckoning you to join them
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.