@charliedelta7

Hot girls on Twitter:
Single and straight: 3%
Lesbians: 12%
Taken and straight: 15%
Men: 70%

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@markleggett

At some point, male “pick-up artists” are just going to start chasing women around like Benny Hill.

@GrandadJFreeman

Girls are like police. Even when they get a hold of all the evidence, they still want to hear the truth from you…

@Kvy_kv

Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge

@man_spach

When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat

@animaldrumss

moron: “duhh, i hate taco bell, every time i go there i get diarrhea”
me: try getting tacos instead, genius

@SlothSlouch

Inside you are two wolves: they’re dancing disco in their spectacular sequined dresses, beckoning you to join them

@OtherDanOBrien

[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip

@Darlainky

The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.

@AmishPornStar1

Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.

@nameterminated

I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.