@slimmy_shady

Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?

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@HabeasDorkis

I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”

@Miniwheats2012

If wandering off was an Olympic sport, my mind would be a gold medalist.

@pmclellan

My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.

@KevinFarzad

Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it

@TrendsZim

Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”

@meganamram

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name

@DeadLioness

In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.

@_elvishpresley_

[first day working at a movie theater]

guy: can I get one large popcorn

me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns

@DaddyBeerGuy

Child protective services?

Who’s protecting the parents Huh?

WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?