Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
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I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”