@randygdub

hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this

me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that

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@TheCatWhisprer

The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.

@lenadunham

Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?

@pattymo

In ~72 hours this will be completely incomprehensible

@NurseMurderer

I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.

-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV

@stockejock

Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.

@TheWeirdWorld

A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.

@Dawn_M_

Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.

@Jandalize

Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.