Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
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Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
*jingles half the way*
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.