Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
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911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!