HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
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Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
I carry a pebble with me to throw at people who start Christmas stuff in October.
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no