Mitt Romney: “I believe marriage should be between a man and a woman, and a woman, and a woman…”
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
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wat apple fanboy caled it an “apple fanboy” insted of an “iDiot”
[teenage girl reading horoscope tweets]
“Scorpio’s drink water when they’re thirsty”
OMG THIS IS SO ME
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
I can’t imagine a better slogan for a glasses company than, “Buy our glasses if you ever want to see your children again.”
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
College is forcing yourself to eat food before it goes bad because you spent $4.99 on blueberries when you were into health for a hot sec
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
If I had a dollar for every time I was wrong, I’d be incredibly broke.