*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
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You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
he’s doing your taxes
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.