@anagramps

*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*

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@brothasoul

Mitt Romney: “I believe marriage should be between a man and a woman, and a woman, and a woman…”

@jonnysun

wat apple fanboy caled it an “apple fanboy” insted of an “iDiot”

@phaggots

[teenage girl reading horoscope tweets]

“Scorpio’s drink water when they’re thirsty”

OMG THIS IS SO ME

@waydybee

Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!

@jordan_stratton

I can’t imagine a better slogan for a glasses company than, “Buy our glasses if you ever want to see your children again.”

@krisv_723

*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*

@CollegeDotLife

College is forcing yourself to eat food before it goes bad because you spent $4.99 on blueberries when you were into health for a hot sec

@usedwigs

Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.

@LOsepyan

If I had a dollar for every time I was wrong, I’d be incredibly broke.