HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
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my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.