@Bownuggets

HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER

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@better_off_dad

Doctor: What seems to be th-

Me: -Medicinal marijuana!

Doc: I’m sorry?

Me: Let’s start with the answer, then work on the problem, ok?

@outsmartedmommy

The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.

@carameltimbit

What did the drummer call his two daughters?

Anna one
Anna two

😉💁🏻‍♀️

@better_off_dad2

I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…

…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.

@_RobertSchultz

I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.

@hazelmotes1

Press Conference:

How do you respond to accusations that you over sexualize everything?

Me: *slowly takes entire microphone into mouth*

@2questionable

Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.

Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.

@ArfMeasures

Doctor: You have 6 months to live

Me: omg what can I do?

Doctor: Oh lots of things

Me: Phew

Doctor: but only for 6 months

@GinRumMe

I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.