Doctor: What seems to be th-
Me: -Medicinal marijuana!
Doc: I’m sorry?
Me: Let’s start with the answer, then work on the problem, ok?
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
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I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
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How do you respond to accusations that you over sexualize everything?
Me: *slowly takes entire microphone into mouth*
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Doctor: but only for 6 months
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.