HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
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Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.