HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
You Might Also Like
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Well, that didn’t work.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE