HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
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Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
Body by sandwich.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle