So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
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COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.