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“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”