Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
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My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.