Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
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*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?