Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
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[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
me: oh cool AM or FM?
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Sorry, I can’t take your call right now, I’m all tied up.
-submissive’s answering machine.
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
He told me he was uncomfortable dating someone with so much inflatable furniture.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?