@sug_knight

Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that

You Might Also Like

@CornOnTheGoblin

[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]

@SteveSuckington

Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?

Me: The babysitter

@Jerk_Martin

Me flirting at a party

me: so what’s your major

her: radiology

me: oh cool AM or FM?

@Ygrene

[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*

Me: oh shit

Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*

[From Basement]: Oh shit

@dulcetry

[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella

[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife

@JoshontheGo

Sorry, I can’t take your call right now, I’m all tied up.

-submissive’s answering machine.

@causticbob

I took a girl back to my flat.

“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.

“What gave it away?”

“The scissors, mainly.”

@roxaroodw

He told me he was uncomfortable dating someone with so much inflatable furniture.

@PleaseBeGneiss

ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?

SUPER FAT ANT: the who?