Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
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It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
guys i’ve cracked the code
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.