@MaryJustice86

Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs

You Might Also Like

@Book_Krazy

Hub: Let’s go see a movie

Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*

H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.

@RBColl

Have you ever looked at someone’s phone’s selfie wallpaper and look at the owner and look again at their selfie and back again to the owner?

@chuuew

Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.

@jonnysun

high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed

@FuckabillyRex

If you’re the kinda person that gets antsy when people stand on an escalator instead of walking, try a blood curdling scream, they’ll move.

@murrman5

“when people say different color bell peppers taste different”
[doctor nodding] I meant anything bothering you physically

@jacksfilms

The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.

There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.

@UncleDuke1969

“Do you know why I pulled you over?”

“Was I speeding?”

“No. Because you have a pony tail.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Sir, you’re over 40.”

@FredTaming

my dad: [rising up from behind couch]

the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf