Hot Pringles in your area want you to jam your whole fist in their cans.

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Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.


Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.


I just watched a documentary on marijuana. I think all documentaries should be watched this way.


Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”


My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes

Until I got drunk, and put them on


If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…


WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?

ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best

W: How long until they go to bed?

ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds


Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”


Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.


You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.