@hazelmotes1

Hot Pringles in your area want you to jam your whole fist in their cans.

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@BobTheSuit

Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.

@RobDenBleyker

Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.

@SpencerLenox

I just watched a documentary on marijuana. I think all documentaries should be watched this way.

@Try2StopME

Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6

@blaha_Who

My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes

Until I got drunk, and put them on

@kristikat7

If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…

@ArfMeasures

WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?

ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best

W: How long until they go to bed?

ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds

@anafabregagood

Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”

@LeonEarlgrey

Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.

@AaronNevins

You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.