Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
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Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!