Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
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We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
This story is comedy gold 😂
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”